


Anchor

by JustJanus



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 19:17:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18762775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustJanus/pseuds/JustJanus
Summary: When you're feeling empty, when you're feeling as if you're moments away from breaking down and falling apart, Xemnas holds you close and everything feels okay again.





	Anchor

You sit alone in your room with your back to the headboard of your bed. It’s a peaceful day... night… whichever. There’s no real way to tell in The World That Never Was, after all. But the moon shines down through the window, bathing you in its glow. 

Nothing feels right. 

The hollowness in your chest grows more and more painful as each second ticks on. 

Would anyone miss you if you were gone? Would they even notice your disappearance? 

A dusk appears in your peripheral vision, holding out a slip of paper. You take it in silence and the dusk leaves you alone in the cold once again. You place the paper on your bedside table; you’ll deal with it later. 

There’s not much else you could do aside from sleep. The exhaustion that weighs on your bones tells you that’s the best idea but you stay awake anyway although you’re not quite sure why. You toy with the ends of your sleeves, folding them up and down, up and down, over and over. Eventually you bore of that too. 

Without thinking, you begin to pick at your lips, just idly scratching at the skin and picking at it out of habit. You’re not staring at anything in particular, your gaze fuzzy as you just watch the way your feet tap at your bed, not realising you’re the one doing that. 

Your mind and body feel so far away from each other, like you could lie down and float forever in how hollow and empty you feel. The tears don’t come yet. For now they still lie in wait in the wings of the stage of your face, waiting for their cue to perform. 

You lean your head back to rest against the wall just above the headboard, your hands dropping down onto the bed at your sides. It’s so cold. And you are so alone. You can hear someone running down the hallway outside your room, the voice tells you it’s Demyx, the laughter tells you he’s having fun. A small smile splits your face for a moment, his joy infectious, but then the moment is over and you’re still sitting there, staring up at your ceiling. 

How tired you must look. Dark bags under your eyes, limp body just sitting there with an emptiness in your eyes. Just a small fraction of how you feel inside. You could eat something, you could go take a bath, you could go outside and run around with Demyx, you could go visit Vexen in his lab. There’s a lot you could do. You smile again as you think about them, as you think about your fellow organisation members. But you stay in your room, no energy to move. 

You feel like you’re made of empty particles lazily strewn together. Held together by a thread so loosely stitched that one little tug would send you sprawling out and falling apart. Perhaps then you could finally be put back together into a useful creation. 

Your mind is full of thoughts like these, toying with you, playing little tricks. You haven’t slept much recently, instead staying up late and leaving yourself to pass out from exhaustion later. You’re pretty sure the others have caught on that something is wrong with you, but you’ve started to avoid them for that reason except when on missions. 

There’s a soft knock on your door that pulls you slowly out from your thoughts like a gentle hand easing you back to your room, back to whatever reality this is. You find you don’t have the strength in you to be nervous when you hear the Superior’s voice, low and smooth and soft, outside your room. 

You manage to call out something that has him opening your door, something probably incoherent and mumbled, but it seems he understood anyway. You manage to sit yourself up properly, swinging your legs over so that you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, and look serious, deep in thought, head bent down in respect as he begins to talk. 

His words register in your head as proper words at first, but after a few seconds it all just blends together as you listen. You catch bits and pieces. He’s talking about your latest mission, you know that much, and the little mistakes you made that need to be fixed. 

You listen but you don’t hear him. Only a voice like honey that drips down over you, nice and sweet and leaving you clinging for more. You glance up and his massive form towers over you even from across the room. He makes his way over to you as he continues to talk and your lips threaten to twitch up into a stupid, dreamy smile. 

“You haven’t been listening, have you?” 

His words strike through your tired haze like cold water dumped all over you. No, you haven’t, you haven’t listened at all. You avert your gaze again in shame, ready to be lectured further. The emptiness in your chest grows and tightens all at once. You really were a disappointment weren’t you? Your grip on the edge of your bed tightens as you drop your head, you needed to do better. You didn’t want to be useless, not for your Superior. 

To your surprise, he only sighs. The sound of a zipper has you looking up again in confusion. Xemnas walks over to the chair by your desk, gently placing his cloak over before walking back over to you. His gloves are still on and you feel the leather against your chin as he tilts your head up further. 

Your eyes look quickly between his golden eyes, his beautiful lips, and his bare chest in quick succession over and over as your cheeks heat up. He smiles softly at you, it’s such a gentle look that only you get to see and you feel yourself melt with both exhaustion and… something else you’re too afraid to admit. He looks sad and you hope the smile on your own face can help to reassure him. 

“May I?” He looks pointedly down at your lips and leans in closer. 

“Please.” You manage to whisper out, your voice sounding off and weird to your own mind, you haven’t spoken to anyone in a while. 

He kisses you like he always does - with a softness and warmth that he reserves only for you. You kiss back with all you have, lifting your fingers to run them through his hair as he keeps kissing you so sweetly it would make your heart ache. 

You’re breathless when you finally pull away, staring up at him with all the adoration you have. He chuckles as he gently eases you over on the bed. You resume your original position with your back to the headboard, legs stretched out along the mattress, and he follows. 

“Sir, I-” You start, then pause. 

He waits, he always waits for you, you don’t know what you did to deserve his attention. 

His arms wrap around you and pull you in close until your face is resting against his chest and his hands slowly rub up and down your back. You take a deep breath and the faint scent of coconut oil makes you press yourself closer against him. In response, he holds on to you tighter and for the first time in a long time, you feel safe. He always holds you like this, he’s always so gentle with you while still acknowledging that you are a capable fighter on your own. He treats you with soft care, but never like someone who needs to be coddled, and you hold him in the same way when it is he who needs your comfort. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, “I’ll do better, sir, I promise.” 

You feel the rumble of his little laugh through his chest as he runs a hand through your hair. He’s taken his gloves off and you can feel the warmth of his fingers whenever they brush against your scalp and the back of your neck. He’s so warm against you and now you want to cry for an entirely different reason. 

“I know you will.” He replies, “But that is not what I worry about.” he sighs “How much sleep have you been getting, XV.” 

You tense up and don’t reply. That’s all he needs for an answer anyway. The exhaustion and hollow sadness that has plagued you is overwhelming now that it’s being brought to light, and by Xemnas no less. 

“Superior, I-”

“Xemnas.” He corrects gently, interrupting you, “You know you can use my name when we’re alone. ...Please do.” 

You can’t help the little giggle that escapes you. His fingers carding through your hair make you feel warm and comfortable, like you haven’t been feeling empty and useless for the past few weeks. 

“Xemnas,” You continue, taking a small breath as you sling one of your legs over one of his, hooking it around his and placing a hand against his chest. “Thank you, sir, Xemnas, sir. I… haven’t been doing the best I can recently, and I apologise.” 

“You haven’t been feeling well, have you?” He asks, “I should have noticed sooner. I care about you. Please, tell me what it is that is bothering you.” 

The floodgates break all at once and you start to sob. Your tears run freely down your cheeks as you cling to Xemnas. You hold onto him as if he is a rock keeping you steady against the raging rapids of your pain and empty sorrow. He’s turning to face you immediately, looking down at you in concern as his strong arms pull you in as close as he can and you are grateful for the action. 

You feel as if you’re falling apart, every particle being unwound individually and thrown aside to shatter into even smaller pieces. But instead of scattering into the wind and fading into nothingness, you’re held. You’re warm. You’re safe. You’re still in Xemnas’ arms and it’s as if he is the final thread holding you together. 

“It.. It’ll pass, I know it will, it always does.” You hiccup, “But I feel so… hollow, empty. I feel useless. Like I can’t do anything right, like I’m just… unworthy of being here, of being by your side.” 

You keep crying, your tears falling faster as you feel Xemnas begin to press kisses to the top of your head as you cling to him more. 

“You  _ are  _ worthy, I promise. I enjoy your company, I  _ want  _ to be here. This will pass and I will be here with you through it, please, let me help you. You do not have to talk about everything right now, but know that I care about you.” He whispers.

The sound of his deep voice saying such gentle, soothing words to you makes you curl up against his warmth even more, nodding as best as you can as you continue to sob. You still feel hollow, like you could fade away at any moment, but Xemnas is like an anchor that is keeping you tethered, an anchor that holds all your particles down. 

The words can’t form from your mouth right now but he understands. His kisses trail down lower until he’s pressing them to your forehead, your temple, your cheeks. There’s a sad look in his eyes still, mixed with concern as his hand cups your cheek and his thumb rubs little circles against your skin. 

You’re both lonely, you can tell, but you have each other. You anchor each other, preventing either of you from floating too far away. Some nights he comes to you in the darkness with silent tears on his face, curling up against you beneath the covers and clinging to you like his existence depends on it. He tells you bits and pieces, what he remembers, what he feels. You never pry for more information than he is willing to give and you see the gratitude on his face whenever you hold him close. You know he spends most of his days hidden away, speaking to someone or something that no one else has seen. He tells you just enough that you understand that he’s lonely and you kiss his tears away each and every time. He always thanks you for listening and you both smile before you must part for the day, slowly untangling yourselves from each other’s bodies with nothing but soft care and adoration on your faces. 

You kiss him again and he kisses back eagerly, your lips move together and a warmth begins to spread from the hollowness in your chest. You still feel broken, useless, empty. But in Xemnas’ arms, with him telling you he cares, that he’ll be there for you… It gives you a hope you didn’t know you could still feel. You still feel as if you are moments away from breaking down and falling apart, but his presence and his words, they hold you together. 

He is your anchor, and you are his. 


End file.
